AUTHOR/WRITER: Halimah Ganiyu
I love mama, she is beautiful very beautiful, she looks like an angel and I think God sent her to me. It’s only mama and me, we are a team, we do everything together and no one is allowed between us. I am not allowed to talk to anyone unless mama tells me to which has never happened. The one time I did mama made me go to the punish room and I didn’t like it at all, the punish room is horrible and am not allowed to do anything there at all so I try to avoid the punish room. Mama tells me it’s just us “We are a team baby” so I don’t even go to school because it’s just me and mama. I have to stay at home all the time except for when we go to the store to buy things. She teaches me things at home. She tells me she wants me to grow up to be just like her, she tells me things about God and the devil, and she talks about boys. They are slimy creatures, they think they are better than us girls and the always want to hurt girls. Mama tells me not to allow any guy touch me or talk to me even, that bad things happen and she does not want bad things to happen to me. I believe mama because one day at the store a woman talked about how a man killed his wife.
on days that mama is really happy and free I always like it. Because it means I get a special treat that day, I can watch TV and draw and listen to music and dance. It means mama would make us pancakes and I can take ice cream. I always look forward to does days because mama would also tell me stories and she would laugh and tell me of the house she grew up on. But on other days mama would wake up sad, she would scream and shout and cry. She would be angry if I go to her, she would scream at me and tell me how much she hates me. But I know it’s only a lie, mama is just angry, so I try to be a really good girl, I go to my room and cover my ears with my pillow and try to go to sleep. But sometimes that doesn’t work mama would get so angry she would pull me out of bed and shout and scream at me. Then she starts crying and telling the voices in her head to leave her, that she does not want to hurt her baby girl. That’s how I know she loves me but she can’t help it at does moments because of the voices in her head. The voices tell her to do things, strange things sometimes. The voices don’t like me because sometimes they tell her to send me to the punish room that I hate so much, they tell her to leave me there for days and not give me food or water to drink. But once the voices are gone she is always so sorry, she begs me and bathes me and gives me food all the while telling me she is sorry and promising not to do it again. But then she does because the voices refuse to leave her when she tells them to. I really hate the voices and I wish I had magic to just tell them to go away. Anytime I pray which is every night I beg God to take the voices away and for them to leave us alone.
sometimes mama would go for a day or two and she wouldn’t come home, I don’t know what she does and any time I ask her she tells me she just had to go so something. I wonder what it is, I am scared she has another team somewhere and am not her only team, sometimes I tell her that and she laughs and calls me her baby girl. Other days she would tell me to stay in my room not come out. On does days I hear voices, thick voices and I hear the bed thumping in mama’s room and am scared she is hurting because I hear her make funny noises. I asked her about it once and she told me if I listened again she would take me to the punish room. I tried not to listen to the noise but it’s always hard not to hear.
Today is like that, someone am not allowed to see is coming, mama tells me to go to my room. I stay in my room and paint for a while then I hear shouting, so much noise and banging around. I take the pillow and put it in my ears but I can still hear the raised voices, then I hear the door to mama’s room open and then there is more banging around then all of a sudden mama screams so loudly. I try to press the pillow harder to my ears but all I can hear is mama screaming and shouting stop. I don’t know what to do but I must rescue mama, whoever is in there is hurting mama. I leave my bed, open my door and go to her room. I open the door to her room and I see a really big man on top of mama. I run to them and pull his hair.
“Leave mama alone! Leave my mama!”. Everywhere goes silent. The man turns to look at me and his eyes are so scary.
“Midget what are you doing here? Go back to your room! Now!”.
the man laughs and pulls my hand, it is so painful, I whimper. “So this is little Midget eh? Why doesn’t she join us? She is growing to be a beauty. How old is she Mary?”
mama makes really scary noise and bites hard on the hand holding me. The man drops it instantly and smacks mama hard.
“You pervert leave my seven year old daughter alone. Midget run now to your room and lock the door!”. I turn and run when I get to the door I turn back to look at mama and I see the man moving on top of mama and she makes does funny noises again. I wonder how bad he is hurting mama. I turn and run back to my room.
The following morning am so scared to leave my room because I know mama would be angry at me. She calls my name loudly and I rush out of my bed to the kitchen. My mouth hangs open when I see her face. It’s swollen, one of her eyes closed and her whole face of different colours. My eyes water immediately and I rush to hug her but she pushes me away angrily.
“Simple instructions and you cannot even follow it. I told you not to leave your room didn’t I Midget? Answer me!” She screams when I just stand there looking at her. Her eyes are turning and I know that the voices are back. I move back quickly to the entrance of the kitchen door. “Yes mama. I am sorry mama.”
“You are sorry, you are sorry? See my face Midget! My face! Nobody will want to see me and that means no food for a while! Where are you going to? get back here I am not done with you!”. I don’t answer when mama’s eyes are like this it means she is really mad and the voices can make her do anything. One time like that she used hot knife on me. It was so painful and the mark is still there. I run to the nearest door push it open and lock myself inside, I realized my mistake almost immediately. I had locked my self in the punish room.
“Fine stay there, no food, no toilet and no water for you. Till you learn your lesson!”
I have to pee. I don’t know how long I have been in there, maybe two or three days. I had to pee on the floor and the whole room is smelling, I also want water and am so hungry. I start to cry again and I beg mama through the door. The first day she told me no but after that I haven’t heard her voice since she screamed out loud. I have been shouting for her to leave me but she doesn’t answer. I wonder I’d she has gone out like she usually does. I decide to sneak out and get food and water before she gets back in. I open the door and look out but I see no one so I run to the kitchen but I stop when I see mama on the floor staring out.
“I am sorry mama, I promise to be a good girl”. She does not answer me so I think maybe she is sleeping, but she can’t be sleeping with her eyes open can she? I move closer and I see blood, so much blood, I touch her and her body is so cold so I run to her room and get her a blanket. I cover her body with it and sit beside her. “Mama wake up! Why are you sleeping on the floor? You are so cold”. I shake mama but she does not move. I wonder why she does not move, I wonder if she is sick. I get more blanket and cover her body then I get food and water and sit beside her.
Three days later mama is still not awake and her body is still cold she also smells funny like she needs to bath. I tried to shake her awake but she just stares out and doesn’t move. I hear the door open and the big man comes in. I am instantly scared of him because his eyes are still the same. He looks at me and then asks of mama. I point to the kitchen and run to my room.
“Fuck!” I hear him scream. I run under my bed and stay there for a very long time. Then I hear a voice, a sweet voice call out my name.
“Midget come outside”. I shake my head no. She keeps calling me and I finally stick my head out. She is pretty, not as pretty as mama but real pretty too. She smiles at me and holds out her hands. I take it and she pulls me out. Then she tell me mama has gone to heaven to be with God.
“She didn’t want to be with me? Tell her to come back. I was a bad bad girl and am sorry!” I scream all this but only in my mind. I don’t want mama to be angry, she is already so angry with me that she went to God. So I keep mute and don’t talk to the pretty woman I just shake my head and run to the kitchen but she is no longer there. Then I run to her room but she is not there too I turn back and the pretty woman in a police uniform enters the room.
“I am sorry Midget but your mama is not coming back”. The big man enters the room and I run to a corner. “Don’t tell her that. She is not a kid and you are just confusing her. Midget your mama is dead and you can’t see her again”. The policewoman gasps and she order him out of the room.
Dead. Why is mama dead? Why is mama not coming back? Why did mama leave me? My body starts to shake and my mind screams for mama to come back. I will be a good girl, will do what she tells me to, I will not be bad, I will even stay in the punish room of she will come back. My body shakes so bad and the policewoman comes near me and gathers me in her arms. “Mama” I whisper before everything goes black.