HEART OUT


AUTHOR/WRITER:  FEMI SWARIS

 

I don’t know what exactly goes through my mind that makes me sad. I think of a million and one things at once. Everyone sees me smiling and assumes my life is perfect or that I don’t have issues. Well, I have my own battles; my own wars. I know everyone has the cliche “I have issues” statement, but believe me, I have issues. I guess I’m the meaning of the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover”. I don’t even know how I do it; how I wear a smile so radiant that it could brighten your day, yet it’s like I carry the weight of the world. I put up fine photos with some bomb ass captions on my Instagram that I’m certain one or two people would wish they were me or have the things I have. And my smile? Oh lord. You’d think I don’t have problems. I know I’m not alone. I’m certain other people feel this way too; might even be you reading at the moment. I’m about to take you on a journey. So let’s get started.
Let’s start with Instagram; I would’ve said “social media” in general but that’s basically social media these days. I hate Instagram. I hate Instagram. Oh, how I hate Instagram! Often times, when I come across certain pages, I get sad. I start to ask myself “why am I not as rich as this person?” “Why am I not as successful?” “Why am I not as loved?” “Why am I not as cute?” I have once even thought “why don’t I have as many like on my photos”… So many “why am I nots” that I can’t even mention. Then I start to feel bad. Do you feel that way too?

The thing with that feeling is it keeps coming. It starts with mood swings. Then the mood swings start getting more and more frequent which lead to depression. I’m praying not to drive myself into severe depression. I get worked up when things don’t work out the way I expect. I have so many great projects that I want to execute but money just won’t come. What saddens me the most is that I know how hardworking I am. I’m not lazying about expecting money to just appear; I want to work for my own money. I want to make my life better. Yet, doors just won’t open.
You wouldn’t believe I constantly feel insecure about my appearance! I still don’t know how I don’t apply makeup, to tell you how bad it is. I know many of us have one or two insecurities about how we look. I feel unattractive sometimes because of my body type, skin tone, I feel my nose is too big, I think my head shape is irregular, I don’t have good hair growth and my legs are not how I want them. I sometimes think I’m ugly.
Now let’s talk about how badly I want to live a flamboyant life. I want to use the latest iPhones, wear Versace from head to toe, buy myself the latest shoes and designer clothes, go to expensive places without having to worry about my account balance, I want to go on vacations with ease, I want to be able to help others because I have enough and not look back. I want to spoil myself. I want to spoil myself. I want to spoil myself. I want to go to fancy restaurants with my friends and not run away from hangouts because I’m being cautious with my spending. If I’d ever have a reason to be sad, I don’t want it to be over lack of money, EVER. I don’t want to know what it feels like to “manage”. I already have enough worries, not having money shouldn’t be part of them. But it turns out I can’t buy myself the things I want without thinking of the possibility of being bankrupt. Turns out I still have to avoid certain hangouts because I don’t want to spend too much. Oh I’m certain so many young people like me feel this way!
Now let’s talk about my love life. Where do those “Romeo and Juliet” relationships exist? Oh I forgot; on Instagram (no pun intended). Everyone seems to be in a happy relationship on Instagram (see another reason why I hate it?). Whether it’s true or not is immaterial to me. They’re in a “relationship” and they appear happy. Whether it lasts or not is also immaterial, they’re HAPPY; for that moment at least. My friends celebrated their third anniversary. I can’t even boast of a relationship that has lasted for three months, yet my friends have spent three years together! Why is my own case different? I don’t have the financial buoyancy that I desire, I can’t even boast of a love life too? At least I’d have someone to make me feel better whenever I feel sad, someone who’d be there for me, someone who’d have my back, someone who’d spoil me with love, someone that’ll make me ask myself what I did to deserve their love! I don’t even have that too? I don’t have a partner in crime to share good times with. I’m lonely! I battle with loneliness too. I relate with so many people so when I tell people I’m lonely, the response I get is “oh please, you have so many friends”. See why I said I’m the meaning of the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover”?. I want to know what love is. You might be in a happy relationship, but I’m pretty certain someone out there feels this exact way. It might even be you.
I also wonder why and how in the world I am still so nice to people. I have been disrespected often times. I have lost so many friends that I really cared about. Some people with whom I was really cool suddenly just stopped talking to me. I even asked one friend that left me and he said he “grew” up. And I keep wondering where I went wrong. I know for certain that I don’t deserve most of the crap people throw at me. Why don’t people treat me the way I treat them?
I had a discussion with a friend that I look up to. I told him how I look up to him and admire his hard work. I kept ranting about how my businesses aren’t booming as much as I wanted, as much as his were. He looked at me and said he drew inspiration from me, he said he always wished his business blossomed as much as mine did. I became confused and I thought he was trying to make me feel better and less miserable. But he kept going on and on. I thought about it for days. It was quite perplexing. Someone I looked up to said he looked up to me too?
Then I realized, we’re so consumed by what we see on social media that we automatically assume that the people we want to be like have their lives perfect. So my friend was also going through a whole lot while I thought his life was perfect?? Oh wow!

That was the day I decided to stop putting pressure on myself unnecessarily. I read an article that talked about everything being a matter of time. So rather than get sad, I tell myself my time will come. Rather than cry and feel bad, I spend that time telling God the things I want. I’m not going to front and say I now have my emotions together and I don’t feel sad anymore because of the things I want but yet to achieve. I still get sad. I still worry over why things sometimes don’t work out for me the way I want them to, I still feel unhappy that I’m unable to buy the things I love because I can’t afford them just yet. YET. However, how I manage to get through is by telling myself that I’m still young and I still have all the opportunities in the world to achieve all these things. I’m learning everyday to go easy on myself. Now this is for you too. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

Why in the world would I even feel unattractive? Why in the world would you feel unattractive? Because some people left your DM without a reply? Have you asked God to forgive you? There are so many people that don’t have legs or arms. I read so many different stories about babies born with compressed faces, one eye and so many unthinkable deformities! Everyone goes through the phase of feeling insecure about their physical appearance; it’s normal. The ability to snap out of it is what’s most important.
We all have insecurities concerning our physical appearance(why did the Kardashians get their lips done? Why do you think Nicki Minaj got her ass, boobs and face done? They all had insecurities too. They might still have, who knows? Yet the appear so perfect on social media and, everyone wants to be like them) Don’t let those insecurities define your life. If there’s a way you can make it better, do so! If it’s that you feel you’re too fat, get yourself on a good meal plan, work out and be dedicated. Enjoy the process and don’t pressure yourself. If it’s that you feel you’re too skinny, remember I just advised someone to work out and be like YOU.

Now the relationship issue. Do I want a relationship because my friends have relationships or because I genuinely want and need one? Ask yourself that before you bring yourself down. It is true that people are condescending but you can be condescending to yourself as well with your thoughts. Don’t bring yourself down. I realized I’m not in a relationship because I’ve not been meeting people. Sit down to think of the possible reasons why you don’t have a relationship. It could be the same as mine, it could be because of certain habits that you have or something. Find out what the cause could be and work on it, rather than bring yourself down.
Finally, on the issue of people treating me in a contrary way to how I treat them, Selena Gomez said “kill them with kindness”. The world is becoming rather toxic; don’t let that toxicity reflect in your life. Remain the amazing person you are.

Social media has done more harm than good these days. I keep saying it is the major cause of depression in youths all over the world. And the sad part is most of these things we see aren’t true. You don’t know what the “slay queen” or “slay king” has put his or her hands into to get all those things they have. Many of them have to borrow clothes, shoes, bags and accessories to impress. Then you’ll get sad over that? Ask yourself, is it worth it? Depression is real and it leads to suicide. Stop worrying yourself. Stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. What will be, will be. Pray, pray, pray and pray again, work hard, be focussed and you’d achieve your dreams. It will get better. Hey, it will get better. Don’t be depressed, okay?

Above all, remember that this life is all about vanity. All these things won’t go with us to the grave. The day we die, it all ends.
I do hope you find this piece useful. Thanks for reading.Please leave your comments and share.
Cheers!

 

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10 Comments

  • Neemah
    October 24, 2017 at 8:58 pm

    This is wow 👏👏

  • Esther
    October 24, 2017 at 9:21 pm

    Wonderful piece

  • Misty
    October 24, 2017 at 9:22 pm

    I totally love this 👏

  • Walintino
    October 25, 2017 at 1:35 pm

    Amazing that’s what this is i think this are the kind of stories i want to reading… You really made my day femi… Tombs up

  • Dee Taiwo
    October 25, 2017 at 5:56 pm

    This is amazing. Reading this, made me not just read the Truth, but feel the Truth. You are an amazing writer and I can’t wait to read your next piece( if there is).:)

  • Yewande oluwatayo
    October 25, 2017 at 10:54 pm

    Great piece …I’m legit moved

  • Lammy
    October 26, 2017 at 12:07 am

    Can relate to this on every level! very accurate

  • Tayo
    October 26, 2017 at 9:01 am

    Spot on……this hit me real hard!

  • Anonymous
    October 26, 2017 at 1:52 pm

    You just wrote ME…. Thanks so much…

  • Nuela
    November 6, 2017 at 10:21 am

    Wow wow Thanks

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About me

Nimota Ideraoluwa

Nimota Ideraoluwa

I am Teriba Nimota Ideraoluwa, I was born in Ogun state, into a family of eight, I'm the second child of the family and the first female child. Anike is a name my mum calls me whenever I'm sad , Anike is my Oriki (praise name). continue here...